In This Moment…

I am not overly given to mawkishness or sentimentality on the whole; those who know me well and especially those on my personal FB page are more inclined to find me tongue in cheek ironic about my own offspring’s “accomplishments” (0ften used in the loosest sense of the word) than lauding the joys and wonderment of parenthood.

I am not one for hashtags #blessed# or #perfectmoment# (no offence meant to those who do: your wall, your choice) on every picture of my child or their offerings. Truth be told I only signed up to Instagram yesterday (and that was only to keep up with one of the teenagers) so I have a lot to learn about the supposed art of ~~deluded smug~~ parenting and a picture showing perfect days out whilst I’ve stood the other side of the lens muttering “what the actual fu#k you little dip-shi#s?? Why can’t you stand still for 5 seconds without poking/disemboweling each other?!” so I can snap a moment of proud parenting.

However today, sadly once again, my SWAN UK family grieves for one of our own and it’s hit us all very, very hard. I had the joy and the privilege to know this precious boy, his wonderful family and his gorgeous little sister in person. They were one of the first families I met when moving to Yorkshire who welcomed me, invited us to a meal and generally made such an effort to make my family and I welcome.

Cruelly in the space of not even 10 days, 2 beautiful SWAN boys are no longer with us and daily there are accounts shared of more whose lives hang in the balance, those who have received a devastating prognosis or forecast of what horrifically may lie ahead for their own child. In honour of those already taken too soon, those waiting for nature to take it course and any other parent going through the worst news they should ever face, some ramblings came to mind. I cannot proclaim that they are worth much, nor that they will help at all but to me at least they are poignant and a reminder of what I often take for granted, so here goes:

In this moment I can

Choose to despair of the doh-vince and play-dough that has welded itself to my carpets and been traipsed through out the house requiring a jackhammer to remove it or I can smile resignedly thinking of the giggles that accompanied the making of the mess

In this moment I can

Grit my teeth for the hundredth time this day because at least 2 of my children are fighting, one is stirring by taking sides and one has left his bedroom a tip for the thousandth time or I can celebrate that my children are strong enough, resilient enough to shout and yell and drop towels all over the place

In this moment I can

Keyboard warrior type e-mails to chase up appointments for surgery and chase up department heads for EHCP (education and health care plans) information that should have been forthcoming weeks ago or I can be thankful that my daughter’s surgery will ultimately make a huge difference to her life and well-being, know that my son will get an education that meets his needs, maybe not today or tomorrow but at some point in the future.

In this moment I can

Feel resigned to making lunch boxes for my children who will suddenly decide they no longer eat x,y or z simply on a whim or I can giggle at the fact that one who needs the most calories will probably only eat her sliced peppers and ponder if I can dip them in pot of (non nut infested) chocolate spread to boost her calorie intake.

In this moment I can

Rant about the newly bought but already misplaced school shoes, football boots and trainers ready for back to school tomorrow or I can take comfort from knowing my children are healthy enough, lucky enough to be heading into new terms and new experiences.

In this moment I can

Roll my eyes at yet another bath time that will see the bathroom looking like a typhoon has passed through with soap studs galore and toothpaste marks on the sink or I can delight in the smell of the Johnson’s baby bath and hair wash that really they are too old for but takes me back to their toddler years.

In this moment I can

Count down the seconds till the littlies are in bed and speed read begrudgingly through a bed time story or I can revel in my inner child, excitedly agreeing to just one more chapter of Harry Potter.

Parenthood is not all roses and laughter, nor fun and games but for every moment of frustration and anger, for every minute you wish, just fleetingly, that you could be elsewhere, that they were older, bigger, more self-sufficient, someone else will be wishing they could hold their child one last time, kiss the top of a soapy head, shush their baby off to sleep, to just be in the moment.

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