Child…..abuse… /of power?

I’ve been annoyingly cryptic (sit down in the cheap seats with your cries of ‘generally just annoying!’ 😉) over the last 6 months or so. I’ve alluded to ‘things;’ vague references to #fighting the good fight# and such but effectively been gagged from further explanation. Until now.

Today after almost 6 months of hell at the hands of our local authority, we are victorious. But it is a hollow victory, tinged with indescribable sadness and pain.

In August 2018 we were presented with a hand delivered letter from the manager of the Looked After children’s social care team (LAC) informing us they intended to pursue us legally for parental responsibility over our autistic 15 year old son.

I cannot begin to adequately describe the horror and pain we felt, as well as the sheer disbelief, on reading the allegations laid out in the Public Law Outline (PLO) document hand delivered that day in August.

And how did such events arise? Because we had dared to question, disagree and eventually file a formal complaint about the stance taken by our then allocated social worker and the part time foster care placement of our autistic son. That in a nutshell is the extent of our ‘crime.’

They LA brought a case against us stating we had caused emotional abuse, neglect and rejection, by placing the needs of our other children over and above our son’s. and because we had continued to seek and challenge them in providing an alternative, and most importantly, APPROPRIATE care placement.

Today the case against my husband and I was withdrawn by the Local Authority And whilst we are relieved in the extreme, there’s a pervading emptiness, an anti-climactic ‘that’s that then’ feeling.

After the lies and damning claims we’ve had to endure reading submitted by the LA, the hours I’ve spent pouring over documents, the hard-won social care records, endless meetings with lawyers and providing evidential based-responses and testimony, today the Local Authority got to stand up in court and say “actually we withdraw, there’s no case to answer.” No sorry, no oops we got it wrong and no acknowledgement of the anguish or distress this caused us. It hurts. A lot.

It is no comfort (at the moment) that our barrister says this is the best outcome we could have hoped for; that by instructing the Judge that there is no case, she allowed the application to be withdrawn. He explained the fact they did not withdraw prior to today meant they had to save face and thus we still had to appear in front of the Judge for her to formally dismiss the proceedings …. apparently….but it doesn’t feel like we’ve been cleared. Had our chance to challenge why they brought such an erroneous case.

I think I’ve been too hooked on tv court dramas with all the vim and vigour (vinegar as far as my feelings go!) and the fire and brimstone revealing that #justice# has been done.

I suppose we wanted retribution but it’s not in the redress of this particular court to address the, for want of a better word, ‘suffering’ we have experienced. Of course there will be some legal bod out there who would happily pursue a case on our behalf (💷💷💷 kerching) but that will cost us funds we don’t have and for what purpose? Will it bring about closure? Will it heal our grievances? I guess we will never know. And I worry there will be always be those people who assume the “no smoke without fire” philosophy thus believing we are indeed at least partially at fault.

Those of you who have followed my blog/know us personally, will be aware that we have 4 children. All with extra needs and/or health conditions.

For the last 3 years we have been in dispute with our local authority about the most appropriate way of meeting the needs of our high-functioning autistic son.

It was agreed after multiple interventions by varying services, trialing ever more desperate adaptations to “fix” things in mainstream schooling and yet on-going repetitive, risk-taking behaviours, that our autistic son needed an education health care plan (EHCP) and specialist educational placement.

Our son was also requesting respite from the family home. He struggles when his needs cannot be met, with the hubbub and ‘chaos’ that manifests within our busy family and with the unpredictable nature of our other children’s health needs.

So we sought to address not only his academic needs but his social, emotional and mental health needs. Additionally we wanted an emphasis on building and imparting important life skills in order to secure the ability to support himself in living an independent (or to the best of his abilities) life in the future.

I’m extremely lucky to have Mr DNTW’s total support and 100% commitment in aiding (& abetting?!) family life but juggling this alongside him working shifts with long, unsociable hours and for whom weekends off are as mythical as rocking horse poop, ostensibly (attempting) meeting the families day to day needs stand – or fall – on my shoulders.

Let me be clear, this is not an attempt in any way to curry admiration or pity on my part. It is just a fact.

Most children thrive with a routine – the reassurance of predictable, timely, boring regularity. It is generally recognised this is even more preferable for autistic individuals.

Certainly in our son’s case sudden upheaval, changes to arrangements or fixed plans being altered are at best unsettling, at the very worst, a cause of deep anxiety leading to potentially risky, life-threatening behaviours.

We don’t have family to rely on locally and whilst we are ever grateful to the small groups of friends we have made locally, many of them have their own children, some also with complex needs; they are not in a position to assist in helping out or medically qualified to do so.

Arguably H being over 18 doesn’t qualify as a child in the eyes of the law; nonetheless as I’m sure the majority of parents would testify, once your offspring reach a legal age of independence, it doesn’t mean you cease to parent…or care…. or worry…. sorry H you are stuck with me mithering you about what time you are coming home or if you are in for dinner! I promise to stop once you leave home “for good.” Probably.

Since H has a congenital heart condition which we know is progressive, albeit *should* be manageable with medication and surgery in later years, it adds an extra dimension to parental fretting. He doesn’t want a fuss making (in fact, I will probably be lambasted for even mentioning it here) so we try our best to abide by that and know that he is in good hands medically, as well as being cognisant of the importance of maintaining and being attuned to his physical well-being. Less so after a Saturday night’s shenanigans…. 🍻🥃🍷

In respect of our younger 2 children, their needs are much more complicated and unpredictable to manage, both by virtue of their ages and the nature of their difficulties. Suffice to say, life is not so neatly parcelled up with a cherry on the top.

I’ll spare you all the intricacies (if you want to know more, I’ve covered this in other blogs) but on grounds of costs being incompatible with public expenditure we were refused a placement for our son at an autism specific residential school which on a Monday-Friday basis.

By this point, both ourselves and our son were desperate. And exhausted and demoralised.

We needed a complete turn about from the impossibly, destructive situation we seemed perpetually quagmired in and we engaged legal representation in order to proceed to an educational tribunal.

This cost us hugely. I do not mean just financially. I had a complete mental health break-down and spent 3 months as an in-patient. To this day I take a cocktail of medications so I can “function’ and continue to receive therapeutic community care.

The fall out on our other children was immense and still impacts them in a variety of ways. Mr DNTW’s too.

With him having to hold down a job and be soul parent, he called in favours left, right and centre to see to the care needs and day-to-day cover for our children. We could not afford for him to take unpaid leave.

Indeed my psychologist refused to allow me to leave hospital until social care had provided a medium to long term plan to accommodate our son.

Whilst it nearly broke our hearts to proceed as outlined, we hoped that by way of the courts we would eventually secure an appropriate residential school placement which would negate the need for a foster placement.

Even during those darkest of days the response from social services was how soon can we return your son home? They simply weren’t interested in the wider needs of us all and in working

I will never forget reading an article that described how parents of children with autism show similar levels of stress to that experienced by combat soldiers. I wish I could recall it to link to!

We had anticipated time apart would paradoxically strengthen the bonds between us (absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that) by giving us the time and space to mentally recharge our batteries as it were. Whilst he is loved unconditionally, autism is a complex disability to navigate and parent without some ‘down’time,

So we dared to ask for help from our local authority under the guise of children’s social care. We admitted we couldn’t do it on our own.

Instead of being lauded for our honesty, recognised that we were doing the best job we possibly could under difficult circumstances, we were left for an unreasonable length of time floundering and having to negotiate an appeals system to try and secure our son a residential school placement.

with us


Jelly tot consuming Mother of 4 kids, 1 cat, 2 dogs. Wife/leader in chief of our tribe. Autistic & medically complex kids keeping us entertained, on our toes & never bored...lover of all things sparkly, handbags & shoes. Proud to be a “difficult parent” in the world of SEND


  1. If anyone took the time to measure outcomes for the child and family where child protection was incorrectly or inappropriately cited as a reason to warrant investigation (and the refusal or withdrawal of support, medical intervention or access to appropriate services), it would clearly identify the long term harm that is caused to countless children and their families. There is no support given to help people rebuild their lives and families are left with no support systems and too terrified to ask for help. At what point are we going to hold the people accountable that are still saying that we should see and report everything as potential abuse even though it has been debunked repeatedly as actually lowering our success rate at protecting children?

    I’m so glad your son has finally been given the placement he needed all along, and so sorry that the ‘untouchable’ nature of child protection and its protagonists means this will continue until someone starts making them accountable for the harm they are causing in the name of child protection, and the difficulties they are causing for those on the front lines of trying to protect the children who really need it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you and yes you are so right. When I have recouped my energies a bit, I hope to be able to help/support others who may be going through what we have gone through. Ideally getting financial redress from local authorities to hit them where it hurts would be a starting point but that only takes away much needed funds from children and families who already have to fight so hard for the scraps.


  2. I see no other comments on this post elsewhere, such is bewilderment of readers I suspect. Not surprised the lively Renata chip poked in though. 😉

    It is so hard to know what to say to you the family, except we hear you! Hope others that need to do too. Sorry you won’t get your day in court so to speak but I hope that having put this out there, you can all now begin on the road to recovery and future.
    ow diplomatically you account for all that services have undermined rather than supported your family.

    In this post reform era The Children & Family Act 2014, s19 Principles mandate that LA’s hear the child, young person and the parents views wishes and feelings…and support you to facilitate the development …and best possible outcomes…

    That this came to a ‘looked after’ option rather than at least trying a parents proposed and eminently safe (residential) solution says much about what is wrong, increasingly so, in SEND World right now. Rather than ‘more ordinary lives’ as the reforms set out to achieve, living in SEND World is becoming so much more extraordinary, too often. Especially for the most complex and needy.

    Mis-judgement and miscommunication between the different arms of LA’s (social care, safeguarding and education) seems to
    litter SEND-cases these days, especially where education and social care ‘simply’can’t get it together, despite duties to cooperate in order avoid inadequate partite responses to Children In Need (remember that, early support?!) There seems to be a default to ‘safeguarding’ simply because a case is too complex or too costly to deal with. Not because there is a perpetrator of harm but because there is no perpetrator of a ready, affordable solution. That an LA can conclude a looked after child is cheaper and more desireable than looking after families that want to juggle and cope with all these challenges (with support) is just illogical. We are hearing more of these issues in the public domain; is the ‘safeguarding response’ an increasing trend in hard times or are parents just more inclined to speak out these days?

    It’s clear that post reform, SEND Systems are still deeply, disgracefully missing the point. The deep scarring is less apparent, near impossible for families to describe or for authorities to comprehend or compensate. Redress can’t change the past or fix confidence (I know you know that!) but it can possibly change the record for the next families? What else is it for?! I’m currently supporting others in simillar situations. The solution for children and families in need is early support, everyone says it! Everyone quotes the much loved mantra, ‘early support is iften heard in LA circles; that old chestnut axed by reforms because it was included in the reforms under the new early help-not framework! Support in some cases means real tangible, actual support not avoidance and deflection of responsibility at all costs. But actual support is a very rare thing these days. SEND social care needs a rapid over-haul before a generation of carers suffer serious harm or worse.

    (PS, I’m curious to know, on what grounds LA conceeded a new school without appeal, when same LA previously held out against. Down to the new rational and thoughtful social care voice?)


    1. thank you very much for your kind words and taking the time to comment. Sadly the LA didn’t concede to the school we wanted…..we had to kiss goodbye to that dream a long time ago 😦

      Having been told if we didn’t send our son to the school named by the tribunal we would be in contempt of court and face a fine and/or criminal charges, we had to send him to the stipulated school. We therefore decided to pursue our preferred option via Judicial Review in the meantime. Unfortunately It took the legal bods so long to get their act together that my son initially ‘settled’ at the named school and despite our reservations, made some progress in terms of getting there every day which was a massive step when we had not been able to get him in for months at a time. Rather than uproot him again, we decided he should stay where he was but asked social care to match him properly either with appropriate foster carer or place him at the off-site residential unit that could be used only by young people attending the school he was at. Of course costs were similar to the school we originally wanted so that was a flat out NO!
      Now 18 months on, all the fears we had about our son struggling at the school have come to fruition – the cohort mix is totally unsuitable for him and he is back to absenting himself from classes/lessons and doing all that he can to avoid….he has been diagnosed with PDA traits. Academically he is unlikely to achieve any where close to what he is capable of and now wants to leave school asap as he finds it so stressful. He would have been on course to receive A/s & B’s at GCSE with the prospect of A-Levels as well. Sadly this is not to be and we have had to accept that whilst the school are amazing at ‘managing’ him and we cannot fault communication and support in terms of liaising back and forth etc, he is now just marking time……that’s a whole other blog post about wasted talents and opportunities….
      In terms of placement, after the guardian wrote a scathing report about the previous carer, our replacement, hard working social worker pulled out the stops to find some truly fantastic foster carers with experience who want to work with us and our son and recognise that he already has a family of his own that love and care for him deeply. They are only 20 mins away from us and we feel this will be a very positive step, especially in terms of thinking about support to adult-hood and the options available as they are happy to continue support even if he leaves school……


  3. I have seen a similar sad situation whereby Children’s Services seek to blame parental emotional abuse. It’s an easy get out clause to stop them having to provide what they should. Faced with this, many parents are horrified and stop asking for help fearing their child will be removed from their care. It pushed parents to breaking point and beyond, yet is incredibly short sighted. The problems will not disappear where needs ar unidentified and unmet. Eventually after the endless circles and wasting of a range of other budgets, the book lands back at their door. Not to mention the devastating impact on family life. The cost too on parents’ emotional health and associated costs of that. Even when complaining to LADO, the result is often less than satisfactory. Then parents are blamed for “always writing letters” and irony isn’t lost. If LAs did their jobs, parents wouldn’t have to chase and chase and chase. Sometimes it’s a very lonely road, but I’d choose that road of fighting for what is right every single time. Please know, in education, there are staff who fight against LAs to ensure the correct provsoin for children in their care, often at the expense of draconian warnings by the LA who instruct schools to say they can meet needs when they cannot. Let’s jopw this is the start of something new and successful. Also, not trying to plug, but ECHP Experiences England on FB is a wonderful page where SEN solicitors advise for free. Thet know your rights and can advise x x


  4. As a single mother of four children with ASD, all with their own particular needs, this terrifies me. I’ve recently been asked by my children’s mainstream school to agree to a multi agency meeting. I’m reluctant due to situations like the above.

    I hope that things continue to improve, the involvement of professionals that understand the impact of your children’s conditions on themselves, their siblings, and the family as a whole is invaluable. Unfortunately many professionals don’t understand and don’t want to try, they want your children to fit into their boxes.

    Good luck in the future.


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