Lisa in the sky with diamonds…..

A play on words shamelessly stolen from the frankly legendary Beatles song “Lucy in the sky with diamonds” (tuuuunnnnee!) & as rumour would have it famously refers to LSD, a popular hallucinogenic drug back in the day (illegal FYI) & for all I know, possibly prevalent in the same/similar format today.

I’m still on the goooooddd legal drugs several times a day whilst my doses are being adjusted to appropriate levels and I’m still in the hospital (or spa package extraordinaire as one fiend/friend would have it) & have been overwhelmed and humbled by the lovely & vast load of cards, flowers, texts etc that you fab lot have thrust upon me. And herein I hate to confess lies part of the problem: I feel undeserving of your generosity, selfish in the extreme & basically pretty weak and pathetic – I guess that’s what severe depression, exhaustion & anxiety leaves you with.

It’s not even a question of not being good enough. It’s the feeling of being good for nothing, entirely worthless & lacking. I hate this feeble person I have become. Please believe me when I tell you this post is not about me fishing for compliments or hoping you will reply with praise in abundance – I am not self sacrificing/promoting; just trying to give a little insight into how debilitating and all consuming mental health issues can be & how they take over your life.

I’m allowed out of the hospital for brief periods on accompanied leave – either with a staff member if there is someone spare or released to Martin or a friend’s care as my “responsible adult” (ha!!!)

Although I have enjoyed popping into Harrogate for an hour or so just for a change of scenery (and to potentially find an acceptable substitute for the Dune shoes I’m still lusting after… total mission fail šŸ™„) Ā it’s a real sucker punch when the anxiety comes roaring in & all you want to do is be invisible, unnoticeable & back in the sanctity of the hospital. The return cannot come quick enough & often I need PRN (from the Latin pro re nata meaning as the circumstances arise) medication to bring me back to some semblance of serenity & normality (whatever that is) just to function. Ā I’ve also (unknowingly & unintentionally) begun ripping the skin on my arms to shreds; not as a form of self harm but apparently a well documented side effect of severe anxiety. It’s not pretty & I don’t want my children to see it & worry but can’t seem to stop myself unless whomever I’m with points out what I’m doing.

People’s (on the outside world) Ā well meaning comments can be hard to handle to: “you look so much better” “you seem so lively” or “it’s been 3 weeks so you MUST be feeling back on the road to good health now!”

Truly I understand these are all said with the best intentions and meanings (none of us really want to be told we look like crap particularly no matter what the circumstances) but myself and fellow inmates are learning to take things hour by hour or even minute by minute during the really terrifying, utterly disabling anxiety moments. Being told we look so much better or similar puts us under huge pressure to be that person for you, to live up to your expectations. Of course we are all terribly British with our stiff upper lips & brightly repeated “I’m fine!” even if we have a limb partially hanging off so to admit that your mental health, self worth, esteem etc is in your boots goes against every fibre of our being and it’s not even as if you can especially see something is actually wrong with us so we feel even more fraudulent. I realise I may be generalising too much here but certainly this is representative of the majority of my fellow (spa) residents from chatting it over.

The last few days have been particularly hard as I have had by necessity of deadlines & time frames had to put a formal letter of complaint together against both the education department, children’s social care & the emergency duty team to follow up the complaints I put in by email.

This has dragged up a huge amount of unpleasant emotions, memories, the feelings of overwhelming fear and desperation and exacerbated my exhaustion but needs must and as I may have mentioned once or twice when it comes to my children, I am lion-hearted. I also hope to set precedent so that no other families will have to experience what we have been through over the past 18 months or so.

So am I getting better? Honestly I don’t know. There are certainly some chinks of light at the end of the very long, dark tunnel. But the thought of what happens when I eventually have to face the various professionals when I leave here, Ā the meetings I will have attend, my lapse in mental health being held up Ā in judgement as to my failure to parent, not to mention the tribunal, caring for the kids & running the household again absolutely terrifies me. Paralysing, crippling self doubt abounds & in discussing my risk assessment & care plan with the staff recently, my level of risk (to self not others) remains the same.

In the meantime if it’s not time for the gooood drugs or I can’t have any more PRN, I have found a fairly helpful interim substitute:


Thanking you all šŸ˜

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6 thoughts on “Lisa in the sky with diamonds…..

  1. Bless you. If I could come see you.i would tell you you look like crap if that would help you. Thinking of you . Xxxxxx

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  2. Sending love. I’m glad you’re supported and hope the hour by hour approach gets you through.
    I totally get the well meaning comments leading to anxiety, I feel exactly the same way, the overwhelming pressure to be the person they think you are. Im trying to recognise that it’s my brain putting the pressure on me, and not what they intended by the comment, but it’s a challenge. Take care x

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  3. Massive and very gentle hugs, take it minute to minute if you need to, the most important thing is not how long it takes to get to the light at the end of the tunnel, but that you get to it. And you will, it’s a really horrible crappy place to be, but it won’t last forever, and you will get through it. Xxx

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  4. You’re a very strong lady, speaking out about the situation you are in right now. Put there because you are a lioness and you fight for rights that otherwise hang in a frail balance. I salute you. A hundred times. You are inspiring, you have given me hope and your struggle will not go unnoticed. I will pick up the banner for you here, and fight harder to make the difference. They can’t and won’t win. Take shelter and regain the strength you need. Don’t ever believe that you’re not one hell of a mother and person. When they push you to this point, they become accountable and they will have to account. The only way from here is up, and you will find you can make that climb and be even stronger than before. Rest easy you inspiring lady, sending strength and support to you.

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  5. You are a true warrioress and even warriors get knocked down sometimes, you will get back up again and emerge even stronger than before. But for now just going through the motions of the day and managing to put one foot infront of the other is truly ok. I bow to you for your honest and open account of mental health issues and send you lots of nourishing love for your soul. Take care lovley x x

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